he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
