my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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