I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
