Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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