So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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