Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize