I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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