i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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