Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
