You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
