does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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