new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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