he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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