I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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