fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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