saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
