I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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