I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just cropdusted the office
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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