4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
