k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
