His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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