What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize