she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
