just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
