Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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