He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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