Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
