This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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