Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
