it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
