his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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