im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
