woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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