meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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