I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This toilet bowl is my home.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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