just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
