I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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