I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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