When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
