They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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