she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
