Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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