oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
