foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
