Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
