well I can't set my house on fire every night
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
