Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So much rum. So many feels.
Randomize
