we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize