I wish I only lived at night.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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