Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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