She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
