She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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