don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize