John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
