Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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