i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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