We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
