Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
