I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
